It’s been a funny week. More of those endless damp grey skies that make you want to  dive back under the duvet, or lay about on the sofa watching films and munching on carbohydrates. No? Must just be me then!

As my regular readers know my day job workplace is currently a building site, with lots of noise, dust and workmen in fluorescent yellow jackets and hard hats, swarming up and down ladders and manoeuvring heavy machinery about. It is quite horrid. The staff remaining in the building carry on regardless, weathering endless leaks (thanks to the persistent rain), drafts and the endless drone of a drill somewhere in the building with humour and fortitude, and some moaning of course!

This refurbishment project is bringing huge changes to everyone working for the company. We have been in our building since about 1991. We started in one office and gradually expanded to take over the whole ground floor about 10 years ago. Now we have taken over the whole building! The artist’s impressions of the finished building show a shiny new facade and stylish interiors that we are all very excited about. But change is unsettling, and can be painful, even when it is obvious that there will be a positive outcome.

And of course, 9 times out of 10, you won’t be sure that there WILL be a positive outcome. You just have to try it and see.

There are lots of milestones in our lives. My beautiful daughter, Zoe, will be 18 in  September. She is just about to take her AS levels and has one more year in sixth form before her. She is very clear about what she wants to do. She wants to be a paediatric nurse, specialising in  Diabetes – the condition that she copes so bravely with herself.

So she has some decisions coming up and we are starting the journey of exploring which university or college that she will attend. Last week we visited a college and as Zoe talked to the lady about her options and the best path to choose I felt a bubble of panic rising in my chest. A realisation that she won’t always be with me, that she will be making her own way in the world. And soon.

Of course this is what we prepare our kids for. We do our best to equip them to follow their destiny and venture out into the world to live their lives. For them it is an adventure. For us it represents a huge change.

Project Penny has required me to look at making big changes in my life. Some of them I have embraced, some I am still struggling to come to terms with. I think I am inherently lazy. I don’t mean physically, although I do like a lounge on my sofa. But change does require effort, and it is much easier not to rock the boat, but to carry on following the path you know, even if it causes you pain.

My life coach “homework” last week  was to list 10 things in my life that I regard as achievements. It was a real struggle. I could run off 5 easily. But I had to work really hard to find the second 5. I did it though, just in time for my appointment with Jo. 

Looking at my list, I realised that every single one of them required or caused huge change! Some of them were obvious, Zoe being my No. 1! And we all know that having a child is one of the biggest changes that you can make in your life. Some of them were less obvious. Ending my first marriage was so painful and might not be seen as an “achievement”, but it was. It was brave and courageous and incredibly painful. But it was the right change, and in the end it led me to my marriage to Nigel. Another one on the list.

So, change is good. That I have to accept as fact. Small or large. Even baby steps.

This week’s change is going to be stepping up my exercise. I know it is going to cause me some pain! But its also going to bring great benefit. Bring it on!

Quotes of the blog:

Change brings opportunity.
Nido Qubein

Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.
Keri Russell

A real treat today, I got to read the Sunday papers in bed, all the way through. Even the review sheet, which I normally miss out, as I don’t have time. I came across an article by Psychotherapist Christine Webber. It was all about regret, and how it can shape your life.

Something happened in my life this week that really hurt me. It wasn’t unexpected, and as I had already made an important decision about this particular area of my life, it should not have made any difference to me at all. But I was hurt, and momentarily very  upset.

Amazingly within the hour I had got into the “why the hell am I bothered” mindset, but peppered it with “Well, what goes round, comes round”.

I do not consider myself a brave person. I always stay in hurtful situations longer than I should, always hoping things will get better, ignoring my gut instinct, wanting to avoid hurting other people, very often at great cost to myself, and sometimes those who love me. And always, always afraid of the consequences – only seeing the bad that might come out of something rather than seeing an opportunity.

When I eventually make the decision that I should have made in the first place, surprise, surprise – it’s never as bad as I expect, and even if it is, no one dies, and sometimes great things happen!

This approach has left me with many regrets. How often have I heard myself, in a conversation say longingly “Once I had the chance to....but...”? Too often, unfortunately.

The article says that a study has shown, that by the age of 65,  most people have put their regrets behind them, and are generally more philosophical. So another 10+ years for me to mull over my “mistakes” huh?

I think that regret can hold you back. In my life I have always tried hard to be kind, to be forgiving and loving. To treat people how I long to be treated. When I have made hard decisions I have always agonised over them.

Fairly recently I cut a fairly close friend out of my life. I had put up with some pretty bad behaviour over the course of our friendship, and many of my other friends thought I was nuts persevering as long as I did. But I couldn’t quite give up on it. In the end it was quite liberating. I missed my friend, sometimes still do, and this all happened in the middle of a life changing event for her. But in my heart of hearts I know that I made the right decision for me. My life did improve, it was calmer and  less stressful, but “I had no regrets”.

The hurtful situation this week followed a very difficult decision. One that I made a few weeks ago, but was still struggling with. If only I had done this, or that. Or maybe I could do this....and so on and so forth.  I always have the best intentions. Circumstances have shown me that it was absolutely the right decision, and making it will open up my world to lots of other opportunities.

 “Je ne regrette rien”- I am not quite there yet, but I’m on the way!

If you would like to read the original article, you can find it here:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2139958/Write-worries-piece-paper-tear-throw-away-How-learn-regrette-rien.html

“If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do”

This quote is attributed to Lucille Ball. I have often quoted it in my life, maybe a mark of just how wonderful I am for coping with everything – superwoman, busy, busy, busy!

But there is another quote that comes to mind now:

“Life is what happens to you while you are busy doing other things”

That one comes from John Lennon. And is a salutary reminder that life is too short.

I have got so used to being busy, that I don’t remember having nothing to do. I often say that I have two speeds – full ahead and stop. Nothing in between. I could translate that into “stressed up to my eyeballs” and “completely exhausted”. It basically means that I lurch between crisis’s, somehow just about keeping my head above water and just about getting away with keeping all those balls in the air. The odd one that I drop gets kicked under the carpet in the hope that someone will forget about it. So far I have gotten away with it!

But in the last couple of months it has all caught up with me! I suspect that Project Penny has been to “blame”. It’s got me thinking that my life needs to be better. That I need more time for me and mine! It could be an age thing. The older you get, the more you are aware of how little time there is, and how you need to make it count.

Oh listen to me...I am only 54! That’s no age. Sometimes I sound like I am 94! But maybe my new awareness has come about because I am taking time to think about it.

At the end of  my life coach appointment this week, Jo handed me a printout headed up “Time Management”. I felt a chill creep up my spine. Time management is one of those balls I have kicked under the carpet.

At  home I read the 13 indicators of poor time management out to Nigel. He got this wry smile on his face as I progressed down the list. I felt denial rising up inside me, and the more indignant I got the more he grinned. Damn him.

So...as I rushed around, frequently late, with low energy and motivation, I was frustrated and impatient. Indecisively I had difficulty setting and achieving goals. My perfectionism lead to procrastination and I felt overwhelmed. Unable to be assertive, I didn’t delegate but was over attentive to every detail.

All 13 indicators are in there. Count them! I guess Jo and I have got our work cut out.

Another quote: Socrates said “Beware the barrenness of a busy life”

He knew a thing or two, and I’m listening!

On Tuesday evening I had a lovely dinner with my friend Ody. I have known Ody for over 20 years. I met him through the day job and he is a pilot. Over the years we have shared many dinners, and many great conversations. I count him as one of my best friends, and he probably knows me better than anyone, with the possible exception of my lovely Nigel.

Ody is a wise man with a great sense of humour. He has led a rich and varied life. He is American, but currently lives in Saudi Arabia with his beautiful wife Yamina. I am sure he won’t mind me saying that over the years he has struggled with his weight. We have had many discussions about our respective issues with our weight problems. Recently Ody has lost over six stone and he was really interested to talk to me about Project Penny.

Our conversation clarified a number of things for me which I need to share with you, the people that I hope are out there willing me on!

I haven’t posted much on Project Penny in the last few weeks. Regular readers will know that I had a pretty stressful time at the beginning of April with major issues at work, and then a hospital stay for my daughter. But we went off for our annual sojourn on a Norfolk beach and I decided that for that week I was not going to worry about what I ate or drank, particularly as I was going to be taking long walks with the dogs!

Well confession time. I have gained about 8lb in the last two weeks, and I feel horrible! To be honest, we didn’t really overdo it that much.  We did have fish and chips twice, we had cooked breakfast a couple of times and there was the odd hot cross bun. But given that I was taking regular exercise I felt that I had it covered. The rest of the time I cooked wholesome and delicious meals for us, enjoying the fact that I had the time to cook for a change.

No matter I thought. I can lose that, no problem. And I have spent the last week like a deer in the headlights, frozen in indecision and a haze of negativity.

Back in November when I set out on this journey I was absolutely determined. The first six weeks were easy. Focused and enthusiastic, positive that this time would be the time when I would shed this weight for once and for all. The Metabolic Balance plan that I followed was very structured. Providing me with a very specific list of foods I could eat and specifying the amounts. I lost weight very quickly to begin with, and both my blood sugar and blood pressure dropped to normal levels. Joint pain disappeared, my skin was amazing – I was on a roll. There were a few disadvantages, such as my chronic constipation but on the whole it was amazing.

But then it was December 25^th. With hindsight, to start trying to lose weight before Christmas was brave. Of course it shouldn’t matter! Christmas Day is just one day – just one meal. But I allowed it to throw me off course.

Come January, I beat myself up a little, and then threw myself back into it. Lost a little more weight but found myself struggling with the plan. Resenting the structure, missing some of the food items that were omitted from my diet, hating being constipated and not being able to sort it out. Then things at work got really stressful. I was working very long hours, dealing with difficult situations, trying to keep all my other balls in the air.

My reaction to high levels of stress is always the same. I skip meals, then I binge and feel terrible. So then I beat myself up and get more stressed, and so on and so forth. A pattern that I suspect many of you will recognise. I felt really bad about letting Alison down by not being able to follow the plan and justified it by moaning about the strictness, and the lack of spontaneity – having to plan my treat meal well in advance, not being able to cook meals for my family, etcetera, etcetera!

In March, I went back to what I know has worked for me in the past. Revisited Slimming World and lost 2lb per week consistently for 3 weeks. Then came Easter and now this blog.

The day after we returned from Norfolk I found myself sitting at my dressing table, gazing in the mirror and hating what I saw. In a strange way Project Penny has made me much more self-aware. I have said before that I have never really had a bad body image, or worried too much about my appearance. That has changed completely.

To be honest, gentle reader, I have considered giving up. I have not felt able to post on the Facebook page because I felt so negative. It’s a funny thing – I can write quite happily in the blog about the struggle but feel the need to be relentlessly cheerful on Facebook! What’s that about?

Anyway, Dawn, the lovely lady that started me on this path told me that she would quite understand if I wanted to “knock it on the head”. But I don’t want to give up. I really want to see this thing through. I really want to lose this weight. So having made that decision, where do I go from here?

The fact is that I need to change my lifestyle. It’s not about which “diet plan” I follow. There is always going to be Christmas or Easter, or stressful situations. Always excuses. I am a smart lady. I need to find out just what it is that blocks me from losing the weight that holds me captive.

Project Penny has thrown me together with some amazing people, who have generously invested time, belief and money in me. They are inspirational, kind, and passionate people and without doubt have made a positive difference in my life. I owe it to them to stick this out and keep going, to find my way through the maze and come out the other end. It may take me longer than I thought it would. There is no easy solution.

I know I have disappointed one or two people and for that I am very sorry. But I have learned a lot, even from the things that have not worked for me. I have disappointed myself, as I have done so often in the past. The difference this time is that I am not going to let that disappointment defeat me.

The latest addition to the Project Penny team is Jo Painter, my life coach. I think that she is going to help me unlock my potential and give me a shove back down the path I need to follow to get sorted.

Back to Ody. We have often talked about out weight as our “armour”, using it to protect our hearts from damage. Not letting anyone too close. The reasons for this are buried in our childhood experiences. Hurtful experiences early in life can map out a path for you that it is hard to deviate from. Some people rebel against that hurt and fight their way to success to prove a point. Others subconsciously “blame” their failures on those hurts and effectively give up.

At the end of our first “getting to know you” session Jo told me that life-coaching was about looking forward, not back. I know what got me here. I want to move on from that. Discovering what it is that blocks me from seeing things through is the next step on this voyage of discovery.

This is a long blog. Well done for persevering! I think I have reached a milestone. And I’m not giving up just yet! I hope you will hang in there with me.

During my first meeting with my lovely life coach, Jo Painter, I was given a list of values and asked me to choose my top 5. On the face of it it seemed like an easy exercise, but I found myself struggling with it for over a week. My final selection, in no particular order was:

When I looked at this list I felt my choices were a bit “wimpy”.  Nothing dynamic or particularly assertive.  But after reflecting on them for some time I realised that they are all qualities that I try to apply to all my relationships, short or long term, and qualities that I assume that everyone else finds important. Jo also pointed out that I don’t always apply this list to how I treat myself!

Over the last 48 hours I have witnessed all these qualities in action and I have reviewed my assessment of them. They are strong and enough to carry you through even the most traumatic situations.

My daughter Zoe is a Type 1 diabetic. She was diagnosed at the age of 9 and it turned our world upside down. She is 17 now and coping with all the challenges of that age – growing up, exams, boys etc. It’s a tough time for any kid, but diabetes adds a whole range of challenges to the list.

This week Zoe has been very poorly. It happens from time to time, but this time we couldn’t pull things back ourselves and on Friday we decided that we needed to get her to hospital for some help. We got to hospital at about 3pm on Friday afternoon., and Zoe was finally released home at 5pm on Saturday.

A lot of bad stuff is written about the NHS. But we are so lucky. We pitched up at A&E and no one asked us for an insurance form, or for money. We were simply taken in and given the care that Zoe needed so desperately. She was very badly dehydrated, scared, feeling very ill  and vulnerable. She was treated with kindness and sensitivity. We put our trust in the doctors and nurses to sort her out.  As a family we used humour to get us through a very traumatic few hours, managing to get a giggle out of Zoe even at the worst moments. The picture attached to this blog shows Zoe well on the mend in her hospital bed.

So where did the loyalty come in?

Well, thanks to modern technology we were able to stay in touch with our loyal family and friends through Facebook. I used to wonder why people posted so much personal stuff on Facebook. For me, the whole Project Penny thing, which involves me baring my soul in this way, both on the blog and the FB page is different – personal yes, but something specific that I hope may help other people who are struggling with the same things I am.

But during those scary and miserable hours we all found strength in the support and love from our Facebook contacts. Just to know that there were people out there thinking and caring about what we were going through gave me, and very importantly Zoe, the strength and encouragement to get through. A bit thank you to you all and bless Facebook!

We are home now and exhausted, although I am again blogging at 4 o’clock in the morning as I can’t sleep!  

One other thing that I wanted to share with you all.

This was the first time that Zoe has been admitted as an adult, and not whisked off to the children’s ward. At midnight, with drips in both arms, battered, bruised and worn out she was transferred onto an adult ward, surrounded by very elderly ladies. Leaving her there on her own was awful, even though the nursing staff were kind and helpful.

Returning to the ward in daylight things didn’t seem so bad. But it was a sad place. The lady in the next bed to Zoe was 98. She was bright as a button, but that wasn’t the case for some of the ladies in the ward. There is no criticism of the nursing staff here – they were caring and kind.  We all know that people are living longer and longer, but it made me realise that I don’t want to end up sitting in  a hospital bed staring into space waiting for visiting time.

So those decisions I am making – they include making every minute count. Finding time for what is important – my family and friends. Taking care of my health.  Being kind to myself.  Revisiting the things that are important to me. I hope you can all do the same.

Nigel and I went to the cinema last night to see The Last Exotic Marigold Hotel.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, the film tells the story of several “old” people who for one reason or another travel to a run down but majestic hotel in Jaipur, India. It’s one of those “finding yourself” films made exceptional by the fantastic cast of stalwart but elderly british actors and actresses. I loved it, and cried my heart out at the end. The mark of an excellent film I feel!

All the characters learned a lot about themselves during the course of the film, not necessarily good stuff, but in the end, as in all good stories, each of them found their way to where they needed to be.

Two of the characters were complete opposites. The lovely recently widowed Evelyn, played by the wonderful Judi Dench, embraced her new life and gently worked on making the most of every opportunity that came her way. And then there was the unhappy and repressed Jean, resentful of having to be in India, hating every minute of it, (despite being married to the gorgeous Bill Nighy!) and seeing nothing of the beauty of her surroundings that the other characters discovered.

Even as I was watching the film, (and don’t worry, I am not going to share any more of the plot, just in case you haven’t seen it yet) I found myself questioning my attitudes.

In the last few years I have spent a fair bit of time frustrated by my perception that somehow I have missed out. Turning 50 was something of a shock to me. Yes I know, 50 is the new 40 and so on and so forth. But as I have written before, I really thought that by this time of my life I would have it sorted. That I would be counting down the days to my retirement at 60, and have enough money to have a genteel and active retirement somewhere in the country where I might finally learn to knit and sew. OK – maybe not knit and sew, but you get the general idea!

My life, like yours dear reader, has had its ups and downs. In my mid 40s I found myself on my own, with a small child, lots of debt and a complete lack of self-esteem. I had a good job, so I had the means to work hard and try and drag myself out of the hole that circumstances and lack of good judgement had dug for me. But I do wonder now if it might have been better if I had cut my losses and been brave enough to strike out and change my life completely. I did consider it. I even went for job interviews in Glasgow. But when it came down to it, I simply wasn’t brave enough to take that leap. So I knuckled down, and worked really hard to keep the bricks and mortar that were almost a millstone round my neck.

I was “successful”. I kept the house and my head above water until things improved. But at what cost I wonder. I still work horrendously long hours, frequently struggle to pay the bills, and worry about what kind of retirement I am facing – when I eventually get there! And that goal post keeps moving further away too! Will Zoe look back at her teenage years and be glad that I worked so hard to keep the house, or will she think “Mum was never there”?

Project Penny is a “journey”. It has given me a glimpse of possibilities. Given me permission to dream, and to turn some of those dreams to realities. But to truly make progress in this journey I think I need to remember to pause, and take time to smell the roses. (I’m getting very good at digging up clichés, huh?)

I don’t want to be Jean, so focused on what might have been, and what I perceive as “missing” in my life that I miss out on the beauty and joy that lurks around every corner. I want to be Evelyn – making the most of what comes my way, and able to take pleasure in simple everyday stuff. I need to remember to breathe!

W. H. Davies

Leisure

WHAT is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?—

No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

I have discovered my two greatest enemies.

The first one is tiredness, and is severely aggravated by a lack of the second – time.

I had my second appointment with my lovely new life coach, Jo Painter on Monday. When we first met, a couple of weeks ago, Jo shared with me a list of the commitments she expected from me, and what I could expect from her in return. The first item on the list that I agreed to was to attend appointments on time.

Well as those of you who faithfully follow me on Facebook will know, I have had a very busy couple of months. Yes, I know, my life is permanently busy and I wear my “busyness” on my chest like a medal. See me – see what I do! Aren’t I amazing?

Anyway, at the day job, where I am currently the sole IT resource, we are undergoing a refurbishment  of our whole, very ancient, building. The transformation has been planned for a year, and started in earnest in January. I won’t bore you with the details but suffice it to say that I have spent a lot of time under desks, in dark storerooms and other unpleasant places over the last few weeks. The physical work has been hard, but the mental stress has been mega. I have moaned a lot, slept very little, sighed a lot but also laughed a lot. My ability to usually see humour in most stressful situations is what generally keeps me going.

Last weekend I thought the end of the first phase was almost in sight, and although there were a few bits and pieces to tie up over the weekend I was able to rest on Sunday and felt almost human. Until the phone rang at 9pm on Sunday night. With a sense of impending doom I headed into the office where my worst fears were realised. Major failure of an important bit of kit! I remained at the office until the early hours, returned early in the morning before heading home for a desperately needed nap.

Nigel woke me with the words “Its 3:30, what time is your life coaching appointment?”  Guess what, my appointment was 3:30! We threw ourselves into my car, which had no petrol! We transferred to Nigel’s car and he deposited me with Jo at 3:50 – 20 minutes late and very apologetic for falling at the first hurdle. As I said to Jo – “that’s why I need a life coach!”

The week that followed  was awful, trying to keep everybody working, sorting out the problem and several others that arose, by Friday I did not know where to put myself, nothing I had planned for the  week had been done and I was completely exhausted again.

So – extremely tired and no time. My enemies. And my triggers. Triggers to abandon my eating plan, lay huge amounts of guilt on myself, and to beat myself up for all those things and more. And it becomes a vicious circle. I don’t eat properly, or I eat the wrong things, my weight goes up and I feel rubbish, so I get fed up and disappointed in myself, which leads to more guilt, more self-flagellation and so on and so forth. And before I know what’s happened I fall into this spiral of self-loathing and misery which gets me nowhere and nothing.

It’s easy to blame circumstances, or events in your life for failing to keep positive or upbeat, or from doing the things you need to do. You can’t always control the c**p that life throws at you. But you can learn to control how you deal with it. This is the lesson that I have to learn. I need coping tactics to keep myself doing what I need to do.

Yesterday I ate like a pig. I devoured so much delicious artisan bread that I could barely move. I don’t even know how I justified it in my head.. but I managed to! Apricot and walnut sourdough. Roasted garlic baton. OMG – heaven for the tastebuds. I couldn’t even face doing a blood sugar reading. My head was firmly down in the sand. The plan was to slice them and put them in the freezer – like that was going to happen! And even as I was eating it, I hated myself.

I slept for 9 hours. Amazing considering the amount of digestive work my body was having to do! I woke up on Mothers Day to a beautiful hand made card from my daughter, on the front it said “Keep Calm and Stay Amazing”. Inside it said how proud she was of everything I do. I am not ashamed to admit that I was a little tearful.

So, today is a new day. As the bloat recedes, I can see that berating myself for my failure is a waste of my resources, and will probably only prolong the agony. Onwards and upwards, with a recognition that I am NOT Superwoman, nor do I need to be. I am Penny, and Penny is human and fallible but she is also brave enough now to be honest with herself, and with you lot! That is the way forward.

One thing I have learned from Jo already is that I need to learn to be a little kinder to myself. This could be a good week to start, whatever challenges I have to face!

Penny was afraid of everything. She was very good at bluffing her way through the world. She moved through her life, coping with what got thrown at her in the way that women do. Doing what she needed to do, keeping up with what was expected of her at work and at home. Trying to keep everyone else in her life happy, no matter what the cost to herself.

Penny had an alter ego. Her name was Wench. Wench was everything that Penny wanted to be. She was witty and gorgeous, larger than life, sassy and sexy, intelligent and brave. She wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone. She lived her successful and fun life in that middle world called the Internet.

Penny went through a very dark period in her life. She got through it, calling on Wench for her strength from time to time. Then she met her prince, got married and lived happily ever after!

Of course that is a fairy story, and life generally isn’t a fairy story. But it is very much based on truth, and Wench did and does exist and she is amazing. Of course she is also slim, healthy, fit and has a glorious head of hair!

It’s very easy in our lives to focus on the bad stuff. To let it drag you down until you become a person that no one really wants to be around. We have all met them, the people that suck the positivity out of the air around them. I know that I have been there at times in the last few years. I would like to apologise right now to anyone that suffered from my negativity in recent years. You know who you are!

People like Wench are the people who lift you up and carry you along with them for a while, leaving you breathing fresh air and basking in their sunshine. That’s the person I long to always be.

I am so lucky. I have a beautiful and funny daughter who I adore. I have a loving and supportive husband. I have amazing friends. A good job, and a growing business. All the ingredients that I need to live a glorious life. But there is still something that holds me back from launching myself off that cliff top and trusting my parachute.

Nigel encourages Wench to fly wherever she wants or needs to go. When I am with him Penny and Wench become one, to quote a cliché, he is the wind beneath my wings. (I can’t actually believe I just typed that!! Forgive me!) With Nigel I am always Wench. Zoe thinks Wench is her mum too.

Project Penny has brought yet more amazing people into my life. Alison, Ann, the 3 Claires, and everyone else who has helped over the last three months. And especially Dawn, who gave me this wonderful opportunity. Thank you ladies, your generosity, encouragement and support has changed something in me.

Looking in the mirror now the Penny I see looks an awful lot like Wench. I think I am about to launch myself off that cliff top. Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be one hell of a flight! And we have only just begun!

WARNING: This blog may be a touch indelicate

So far I have neglected to share the worst side effect of my diet plan. Let’s change that. Come a bit closer to the blog so I can speak softly, we don’t want to scare the children.

I am usually a very regular girl. Every day, rain or shine. No problem. But I am currently only…erm…”going” every 3 or 4 days! And when I do…well let’s just say I am nearly 2/3 of the way through War and Peace!

By the 3rd day I am bad tempered. Today is the 4th day. I feel rubbish! I am tired, and just feel wrong. I have a headache and feel particularly waspish. Woe betide anyone who crosses me today, they may get the full force of my “condition”!!

I have, of course, researched the problem. It appears that it is a common drawback to a low-carb diet. We are sourcing a natural solution. A natural fibre that I can add to my diet that should sort me out and keep me sorted! All I can say is BRING IT ON! Please!

Today is the day for my first treat meal! My husband, never one for small gestures has bought the largest pork joint I have ever seen. I am not sure how much he thinks I can eat. We have the works to go with it. Roast potatoes, parsnips and butternut squash. Yorkshire Pudding and gravy. Green beans, carrots and PEAS! How I have longed for peas!!

With the joint in the oven and everything else prepped we are to nip next door but one to celebrate Lissy’s first birthday. 10 outfits later I am in despair about what to wear. Everything I put on feels like a tent, and I feel dumpy and old. My daughter’s face as I discard outfit after outfit is a picture. We settle on a bright flame coloured top and I sit down at the dressing table to make my face up. Zoe collapses into heaps of giggles and can barely speak to point out the amount of spare material around my shoulders. Somewhere between laughing and crying I discard yet another outfit and settle for a dress that is too big, but passable.

In Emma and Paul’s I accept a glass of wine and very naughtily nibble on a bit of pork pie – my appetiser! I have been told not to drink alcohol on an empty stomach – but did I listen? Back home to finish cooking the roast dinner I manage to avoid a drunken disaster! But only just.

An hour later after quite a small single plate of food I am defeated. But so satisfied. A lovely meal, with just a tiny corner for a piece of Waitrose cheesecake. And a cup of tea with a drop of milk in it.

So full but...bliss!